Top o’ the Mornin’ to Ya!
TLDR: Discover what your “I don’t” statements reveal about your identity and beliefs, and how asking “What’s important about that?” seven levels deep uncovers whether you’re operating from wisdom or fear.
What?
I observed a challenging story this morning. I was getting ready this morning and my 11-year-old usually gets up around 6:20 to 6:40, but today it was 6:47 and mom got her up. Her birthday is coming up soon, she should probably get an alarm clock of her own. Well, that’s a different part of the future story.
She was in a panic. The key phrase that caught me is “I don’t take fast showers.” We’ve been talking for a while about the 20 to 30 minute showers and how wasteful that is for energy and water and resources and how we’ve requested that she take a shorter shower.
What does that mean? What phrase, what story do you have in your mind? It says “I don’t fill in the blank.” What kind of thing is it that I don’t do? I don’t invest in that. I don’t loan money. I don’t borrow money. I don’t spend at the fancy restaurant. I don’t pay someone else to change my oil was one of the ones I had growing up.
What does it take and what’s important about that? I’m planning a conversation with my daughter for later today. What kind of showers do you take and what’s important about that? And what’s important about that? Digging in on what’s important, repeating it back to her at each of the questions and allowing her to hear herself talk through it.
My knee jerk reaction or passive aggressive is go turn off the hot water and make it cold. But we can ask the same questions of ourselves. What’s important? What’s the opposite to turn it from a don’t to a positive? What’s the opposite that we’re afraid or resistant to do and ask those questions? What’s important about that? What’s important about that? What’s important about that? Get to the grit of the story and find out if you don’t do it for a reasonable and right purpose or if you need to consider doing that thing that you don’t do.
Why?
I share this because all of us operate from unexamined “I don’t” statements that shape our identity without our awareness. We say “I don’t take fast showers” or “I don’t pay someone to change my oil” or “I don’t spend at fancy restaurants” like these are core values. But are they wisdom or just stories we’re telling ourselves? How did the story form?
Our kids pick up these identity statements from us. When my daughter says “I don’t take fast showers,” she’s creating an identity around a behavior we’ve been asking her to change. That statement becomes who she is, not just what she does. And if we don’t help her examine it, she’ll defend that identity instead of adapting the behavior.
Lesson
“I don’t” statements reveal identity beliefs that drive behavior. When you say “I don’t do X,” you’re not just describing a choice – you’re defining who you are. These statements can come from wisdom or from fear, from principle or from stubbornness.
The seven-level “What’s important about that?” question is a powerful coaching tool to get to the root. Ask it once, you get the surface answer. Ask it seven times, repeating back what they said and asking again, you get to the grit of the story. You discover whether the “I don’t” comes from a reasonable and right purpose or from fear and resistance.
The knee jerk reaction is to force change – turn off the hot water, make consequences happen. But that doesn’t transform thinking. It just creates rebellion against external control. The transformational approach is helping people hear themselves talk through their own beliefs and discover whether those beliefs serve them.
This works on yourself too. Identify your “I don’t” statements. Then flip them to the positive opposite – what are you afraid or resistant to do? Ask yourself “What’s important about that?” seven times. Get honest about whether you don’t do it for wisdom or just because you’ve decided that’s not who you are.
Sometimes “I don’t” protects you from bad decisions. Sometimes it limits you from growth. The seven-level questioning reveals which is which.
Apply
Identify one “I don’t” statement you operate from – something you’ve decided you just don’t do. Write it down. Then ask yourself “What’s important about that?” Write the answer. Ask again “What’s important about THAT?” Keep going seven levels deep. At the end, evaluate: Is this “I don’t” based on wisdom and right purpose, or is it limiting me from something I should consider doing?
You be blessed!
