Top o’ the Mornin’ to Ya!
TLDR: Discover why the gap between “I’m trying” and your true internal belief reveals a lack of integrity, and how Kingdom Family Leaders can guide others to uncover their real identity through questions instead of telling. This is very close to the conscious vs. unconscious that is so important in my work with people.
What?
What is the root and the core identity? I had that conversation with Liz about the statement “I don’t take fast showers.” As we had the conversation, recently she told me “I’m trying to take faster showers.”
But yet, in the urge and urgency of getting off to school, being woken up late, the true internal belief, the internal stance, the internal position, the old identity of “I don’t take fast showers” came out.
The conflict, the rub, the truth of the matter was the lie, the lack of integrity saying “I’m trying,” but yet “I don’t.” Internally, that needs to change.
We talked about an agreement. I said “Don’t try, don’t do this, don’t do that. Don’t attempt.” The shower is a task. You do the steps of the task. Then you’re done. There’s no sitting and enjoying. There’s no relaxing. There’s no lounging around in the shower. If you want to do that, take a bath. Baths are that model of lounging around, enjoying.
I also talked about refilling our hot tub, cleaning out the hot tub room – it’s full of storage right now – and getting that going. Then she thought having a timer in the shower would help.
My natural reaction throughout the conversation was to do the parent and telling, but I kept asking questions. And I praised the timer as being a solution finder and finding the solution, finding an answer.
It’s not about the shower or the cost. It’s about the difference between “I’m trying” and the internal belief, that lie coming to head. Its about pleasing or appeasing daddy while maintaining that status quo. And we got to the answer together.
Why?
I share this because we face this gap in ourselves, our team, and our kids constantly. We say “I’m trying” while internally believing “I don’t” or “I can’t” or “that’s not who I am.” That gap is a lack of integrity – not moral failure, but a misalignment between what we say and what we truly believe.
The urge in urgency reveals truth. Under pressure, the real internal belief comes out. My daughter could say “I’m trying to take faster showers” when calm, but when late for school, her true goal surfaced: “I don’t take fast showers.” That’s the root and core identity that drives behavior.
Lesson
The gap between “I’m trying” and your internal belief is where transformation must happen. Trying without changing the underlying identity is just managing appearances. Real change requires addressing the root and core identity.
When someone says “I’m trying” but their behavior shows the opposite, there’s an internal belief that needs to change. The shower isn’t the issue. The cost isn’t the issue. The issue is the conflict between stated intention and true identity.
The temptation as a leader or parent is to do the telling – lecture, explain, command, fix it for them. But transformation doesn’t come from external telling. It comes from internal discovery through questions.
By asking questions instead of telling, you help people uncover their own internal beliefs and find their own solutions. When my daughter identified the timer as a solution, she became the solution finder. That’s ownership. That’s identity shift from “I don’t” to “I do.”
Tasks have steps. You do the steps, then you’re done. That’s different from lounging, enjoying, relaxing – which is what baths are for. Showers are tasks. This distinction helps clarify identity: “Am I someone who completes tasks efficiently, or someone who turns tasks into leisure?”
The praise matters. When someone finds their own solution, celebrate them as solution finder, not just the solution itself. You’re reinforcing the identity of problem-solver, which serves them far beyond this one issue.
Apply
Identify one area where you’re saying “I’m trying” but your behavior reveals a different internal belief. Write both statements: what you say you’re trying to do, and what your actions reveal you actually believe. Ask yourself questions about the gap until you find the root identity that needs to change. Then decide: what’s one step to shift that core belief, not just manage the behavior?
You be blessed!
