Top o’ the Mornin’ to Ya!
TLDR: Discover how unspoken expectations sabotage communication even when the required message is delivered clearly. Learn why we must recognize the gap between stated communication and expected signals, and how to close that gap for more effective leadership in family, business, and community.
What?
Do you ever miscommunicate? Do you ever have a communication that you’re expecting and not getting? I was sitting at a soccer game the other day. All the kids were out on the field, it’s like the end of the season, playoffs are about to start. There’s two fields right next to each other, side by side, and everybody’s ready. They’re anticipating, they’re crouched down, ready for the ball. And I hear a whistle.
Was that our whistle?
I look around, all the kids are looking around. And then one of the kids was like “Oh, that was our whistle.” And they kicked it off and they started the game. At that point, I realized I was expecting a communication that wasn’t there. And it wasn’t verbal communication. It wasn’t auditory communication. It was physical. It was that body communication–body language commonly spoken of.
The referee never brought his hands to his mouth to blow the whistle. The whistle is the required communication. The whistle is in the rules. The whistle is what is defined as expected. But my mind started expecting the hand signal. And the hand signal never happened and never came. All the kids looked around and went “Whoa, what’s going on here?” And then they started the game. This is quite overt body language but a good example that is easy to understand.
It happened repeatedly throughout the game. Because when the fields are side by side, you don’t know – is it our whistle or their whistle? So we add and create these other expectations for the whistles. And they weren’t there.
The guy had a cool little electronic whistle, which is great. Because a lot of the younger referees whistles are so quite… “tweet-tweet, can you hear me?” And his whistle was nice and loud, nice and crisp. And it took me a while to register and process that I was expecting the hand motion of the hand coming up to the mouth and the whistle. And that communication never came, the hand motion wasn’t provided. It wasn’t part of the opportunity to be on the field that day because of high-tech technology.
Why?
I share this because as Kingdom Family Leaders, we constantly create invisible expectations around communication that go beyond what was actually agreed upon or stated. The referee fulfilled his obligation – the whistle was the required communication. But everyone had added an unspoken expectation of the visual cue that usually accompanies it.
This happens in every area of leadership. We tell our teams what to do, but we expect them to know how we want it done. We communicate the minimum requirement, but judge people based on unspoken expectations. We get frustrated when people deliver exactly what we asked for but miss what we never actually said.
The gap between stated communication and expected signals creates confusion, frustration, and breakdown in relationships. When you don’t recognize this gap, you blame others for miscommunication when the real problem is your invisible expectations.
Lesson
Effective communication requires alignment between what is stated, what is expected, and what is understood. The whistle was the official, stated communication. The hand motion was the unstated but expected signal. The confusion came from the gap between these two.
As a Kingdom Family Leader, you must identify and close these gaps. This means making your expectations explicit rather than assuming people will pick up on contextual cues. When I was a substitute teacher, I told the kids “the solution to every problem in the universe is communication.” That’s not hyperbole – most conflicts, misunderstandings, and failures trace back to communication gaps.
The principle applies whether you’re leading a team, parenting children, or building a marriage. Don’t assume people know what you expect beyond what you’ve explicitly communicated. Technology, different backgrounds, and varying experiences mean people don’t share your same contextual assumptions about how things should be done.
The solution isn’t to over-communicate every detail, but to recognize when your expectations go beyond what you’ve stated and either communicate those expectations explicitly or release them entirely.
Apply
Identify one area where you’ve been frustrated with someone’s communication or response. Write down what you actually communicated versus what you expected them to understand. Were your expectations stated clearly, or were they invisible assumptions based on context, history, or your own preferences?
This week, practice making your communication expectations explicit. Before you judge someone for missing your expectations, ask yourself “Did I clearly communicate that, or did I just assume they would know?” Put your observations in the Doobly Doo below about times you’ve missed communication because of something you expected or didn’t expect.
You be blessed!
The Invisible Expectations That Break Your Communication
